Death

I know it makes people uncomfortable to hear talk of death and in particular, my mortality (sorry sisters), but occasionally, it's on my mind. Arrangements have been made so my kids won't have to do much other than write a spectacular obituary and scatter some of my ashes in some fantastic locations. I don't give dying much space in my head but sometimes things happen that make it impossible to not think about it. Last week, there were several things.

First, I know my body and I knew something was going on inside because of some back pain, acid reflux and general discomfort mid-body (fluid). A five pound weight gain (in 2 weeks) confirmed (to me) that I wasn't imagining it. CT scans confirmed it to my medical team. The ovarian cancer seems to be acting up and my ascites was back. Paracentesis at the end of the week had me feeling much better. I see the doctor this week to see what our new game plan is for this bump in the road. Until I talk to him, I'm not worrying. I can't change anything until then, so I carry on. It does strike me as funny (not the right word, I think, but I'm blank past it and I've got nothing) that the cancer that is my "death sentence" is the one behaving and seemingly not an issue health-wise at the moment. I've not researched ovarian treatments or life expectancy so I'm still pretty dumb about what to expect with it. I got it, we treated it, it responded and now it's back. End of the world? Hardly! We just try something else.

Next up on the "things that make me think about dying" list was a call from a local gallery telling me my purchase was in. I've been going in to this gallery for years to admire the beautiful glass objects done by an artist in Toledo, Shawn Messenger. Last year, I commissioned (ooh, fancy) a piece from her for my cremains. It's beautiful, done in her Landscape line. It is also huge. Much bigger than I need or want, so I decided to go with something smaller. I settled on a perfume bottle (actually 2 bottles). Also done in the Landscape line, it's perfect for what I want. I didn't want to be stuck in an ugly copper or ceramic vessel. Now, whatever mantle I grace will have something pretty on it, haha :)

Last was the death of a former boyfriend (I HATE that term at my age) last week. He was kind of a big deal around here and his passing made the news so there is no way I was gonna avoid it. Until last fall, we hadn't been in touch for 6 years, but we had an email exchange about our conditions and treatments and good wishes for each other as we went through it. He had just had a procedure done out of state and was hopeful that it would help. Our oncologists practice together and I saw him several times in the treatment room. We never spoke and I'm not sure he saw me. It was weird to see him frail.

I suppose I will get that way eventually. The cancer will pull ahead of us and the treatments will stop working and my body will get tired. Hopefully that's a long way off. I still feel good other than some side effects of my ass shots and age, namely achy hips and legs. Oddly enough, before the paracentesis, my hips had stopped hurting. I must be better now because they ache again, haha. I'm back to my normal.

I'll know more this week about what's next. I'm not done here yet!